Wait, stop!

William was excited to join the army.
He enjoyed the drills, the exercises and even the food!
His one problem was with shooting.

He got really nervous when the officer would yell "Fire at Will!"

Power- out

The electricity went off at school...


The students were de-lighted

Kay-liens

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: To determine whether there is oxygen on the planet. 'Give me the box of matches,' says one.

'Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.'

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his seven arms. 'No, no, don't!'

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, the astronaut takes up the match and prepares to strike it.

Suddenly, a crowd of hysterical Martians come, all waving their arms: 'No, please no, don't do that! STOP! Please!'

One of the astronauts says, 'This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for science, to know if humans can breathe on Mars.' So... He strikes the match -- which flames up, burns down, and... NOTHING HAPPENS!

So then he turns to the Martians and asks, 'Why did you want us to not strike a match?'

The leader of the Martians steps forward and says, "Today is Shabbos!"

Cross-eyed

There was once a cross-eyed teacher...


She couldn't control her pupils.

Ding!

What do you get when you cross a canon and a bell?

A boomerang.

I need some novocaine

Be kind to you dentist



He has fillings, too...

Welllllll?

A friend told me he dug a hole in my backyard and filled it with water.


I thought he meant well.

Groooaaaan

Why do doctors feel fine on ships?

Because they are accustomed to see sickness.

What do you call an illegally parked frog?



Toad

Ouch

Q: What has four legs and an arm?

A: A happy pit bull

Why woul I want to make a Rabbi joke?

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.
The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, “I’ve got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!”

Q: Why can't you keep a clock in jail?

A: Because time is always running out.


OUCH!!!

I'm Hooked

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”
“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole leg!”
“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”
“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me arm!”
“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”
“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.
“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, astonished.
Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

101...

I just bought a new zebra

I think I'll call him "Spot."

Choices...

At Camp Nageela we are constantly trying to improve our staff's quality and knowledge. The following is an excerpt from the new Camp Nageela Counselor Competence Exam:

The best way to ensure that your campers are on time for an activity is to:
a. Turn on your I'm a Jew CD really loud so that all the campers leave the bunk at once
b. Offer a free trip to Dougies for the first one out of the bunk
c. Offer a free frip to Ice Caves Mountain to the last one out of the bunk
d. Make the smoke detector go off.

All Nageela counselors are expected to score high on the CNCCEs, so stay tuned for more questions.

CONTEST!

COME UP WITH YOUR OWN GOAT JOKE, LINE, CARTOON OR SONG.

EMAIL IT TO ME HERE AND I'LL POST THE BEST (OR WORST) ONES!

COM-MENT

Several online dictionary sites have blundered around trying to comde up with the propper definition of the following word. We're going to give you a multiple choice on the real meaning.

Com-ment n.

a. a conjunction of 'calm' and 'mental', alluding to a state of peace of mind.
b. An acrostic forming the words Candy Only Makes Me Excited Not Tired
c. When you don't want your computer stolen, you pour comment to attach it to the ground.
d. STOP LOOKING AT THE BLOG AND COMMENT ALREADY!

Korny seafood

Q. Why don't oysters give to charity?

A. Because they're shelfish!

OUCH

I'll take the hole, please.

I waltzed into Dunkin' Donuts today (the kosher one in Lawrence) as I usually do (well, I don't usually waltz, I more- like tango) and I saw a few flavors that make me wonder if I could pleeeaaaasssseee have chicken for supper instead!

Sardine Hazelnut
Banana and Glass
"Brooklyn Style"
Sulfur Crunch
Pigeon and Lime
Blood Sweat and Cherry
Sloppy Joe
Sauerkraut
Sour Cream and Onion

which leads to my next question. What is the WORST possible donut flavor you can think of (we need to know so that Mordy Shenker can order an extra batch!)

moor koorn

Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?

A. Frostbite.