Cruelty to birds?

Have you ever been puzzled by the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone?" I mean, have you ever seen amyone kill bird with stones?
I suppose it makes more sense than one version I heard someone use, "killing two birds with two stones." Now that's seriously inefficient.

But times change, and we as modern human beings have to be sensitive to birds rights and feelings. Plus, we've got to tailor our old sayings to something kids can relate to. That's why I've begun to use the expression, "killing two pigs with one bird." Now that's progressive!

Dip the Apple in the Honey

Here's a little modern twist on 'dip the apple in the honey'.
Well, seriously, what comes to your mind when you think of apples?




I made this 0ne for a teen- class I gave about Rosh Hashana

Mitch Hedberg on whistling and more

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Galaxy of the kayak

Stepping into my parents' backyard in Lakewood, I am transported to a different galaxy.

No longer do I live in the realm of grass, trees and squirrels. I now belong to the domain of BBAMB. That's the official intergalactic code for Boats, Boats, and More Boats.

Don't be alarmed at the picture, those aren't all my father's boats...

I mean, they all are my father's boats. They just aren't all my father's boats. This picture isn't even half of my father's boats. Close, but not quite half.

Yes, the famous Captain Locker who spent years battling swans in famous ake Carasaljo has hoarded his signature watercraft at his, until now, secret lair. Behold, the boats...

Wait, stop!

William was excited to join the army.
He enjoyed the drills, the exercises and even the food!
His one problem was with shooting.

He got really nervous when the officer would yell "Fire at Will!"

Power- out

The electricity went off at school...


The students were de-lighted

Please leave a massage after the tone

Today, I fired my massage therapist..

He just rubbed me the wrong way...

There r no cats... Abd the streets are paved with pickle juice!

Apparently, Bergen County, NJ has started using pickle juice to melt snow.
What a terrible waste of a valuable commodity!

pickle juice article

Kay-liens

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: To determine whether there is oxygen on the planet. 'Give me the box of matches,' says one.

'Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.'

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his seven arms. 'No, no, don't!'

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, the astronaut takes up the match and prepares to strike it.

Suddenly, a crowd of hysterical Martians come, all waving their arms: 'No, please no, don't do that! STOP! Please!'

One of the astronauts says, 'This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for science, to know if humans can breathe on Mars.' So... He strikes the match -- which flames up, burns down, and... NOTHING HAPPENS!

So then he turns to the Martians and asks, 'Why did you want us to not strike a match?'

The leader of the Martians steps forward and says, "Today is Shabbos!"

Cross-eyed

There was once a cross-eyed teacher...


She couldn't control her pupils.

I cant remember...

I really do have a photographic memory



-- I just haven't developed it yet.

What-ever

Whatever, like, I so, totally you- know, whatever.
You know what I mean? Whatever.
I mean, like according to like, Reuters.com, the word 'whatever' is like totally the most, like totally annoying word in like the whole English language. Sweet.
So like basically what that all means, is, you know, it's like totally not cool to say 'whatever', cause it's like, totally annoying, you know. Actually, whatever... Like, if u wanna like say it all the time, knock yourself out, cause whatever, I like really don't care. Or maybe I do care.
Whatever.

Ding!

What do you get when you cross a canon and a bell?

A boomerang.

I need some novocaine

Be kind to you dentist



He has fillings, too...

Welllllll?

A friend told me he dug a hole in my backyard and filled it with water.


I thought he meant well.

More pain

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Four bucks," says the bartender.

"Put it on my bill."

Deep thoughts

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

Groooaaaan

Why do doctors feel fine on ships?

Because they are accustomed to see sickness.

Funny Signs of Utah (and Wyoming)

ya just don't find signs like this in the city

photo credit: Josh Small (camp driver, boys division)

You're supposed to do WHAT with the fish???

Each year, as I serve the head of a fish as part of the traditional ROsh Hashana meal, there is always someone too grossed out by the thought of actually looking at a real fish (albeit a dead one).

Well you aint seen nuttin till you check out this article from reuters...

Circus forced to stop live fish regurgitation act

You just can't make this stuff up!